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Self / Scripts

by Dariynn Silver

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1.
My heart is outside All of my insides are inside out All hidden things are visible Now I am vulnerable With responsibility we count our secrets, tie them to our veins With dignity we shout our triumph, in hopes to mask the break I watch to see if they notice my skin disappear Oh how tired I am of sleeping in my fear If they see me this way, I'll be uncontrolled Without the layers of protection, I feel so cold Shivering in anxiety, frozen in my spine But I desire the possibility of freedom in the outcome The reassurance is subtle and the benefit uncertain But my shelter is broken and I like the view out here So I take my heart outside and turn my insides inside out All hidden things are visible Now I am vulnerable
2.
Taking notes on your expressions Imaging from another mind The walls are caving in this tunnel Uncovering the depth of sight Lock my eyes and fix attention Collapse with you under the weight I’m making noise to end the silence Unguarded love with no restraint I see you through the window Fracture in the painted glass You’re close enough to almost become I break the space to meet with you The gain in altruistic patterns and distances I’ve never been Is found when all that truly matters is joy we learn in selflessness I see you through the window Fracture in the painted glass You’re close enough to almost become I break the space to meet with you For when we hold the sufferer We will mark the universe
3.
I am an outsider, messing with color outside the lines They have the last puzzle piece The one that I always seem to misplace The threat is suffocating Burns vast like wildfire I pull out my armour and dig my heels in hard With my defences ready I cover up my eyes Half a smile protecting I will not loose my pride They walk so easy I climb the steeper path Your elegance in breathing gives me a heart attack I am who I am, who I am, it's who I am I pretend to face the argument of choosing love above myself But I've screamed along with sirens, nobody came to help You are acknowledged Journey on higher ground I'll admit you're smarter Your confidence profound I am who I am, who I am, it's who I am I am not chained to who I am I can see past where I stand Magnify difference as freedom we hold in our hands I know the truth I lie in grace I fight myself in empty space My roots grow so much deeper But underneath your feet, I have no true perspective I am who I am, more than who I am I am not chained to who I am I can see past where I stand Magnify difference as freedom we hold in our hands
4.
This doorway is an entry to a mind game for my body My lungs can't keep up breathing with my heart's uneven beating This is uncontrolled and violent panic in the silence The aggravated pressure I swallow in surrender I ask one more time to hold me down My knees are weak, I brace the ground Escape to dimming vision void of conversation I've let out all that's inside me, but I'm screaming into nothing I ask one more time to hold me down My knees are weak, I brace the ground Is anyone here listening My voice is lost from whispering What could make this easy What could make this easier I drown in loud attack and wait for the sunrise The voices soon will end Dust will reach the earth I'll find rest The delicate reply takes truth by surprise My beggar sound is heard Dust will reach the earth I'll find rest
5.
6.
The moment I fell in focus I watched the fading sunlight saturate time Bleached out all other noises Now I cannot get this off of my mind I'm falling fast No distance will outlast how I love this way through all time and space Helpless to kicking up dirt as my feet mark the ground in declaration I'm falling fast No distance will outlast how I love this way through all time and space It always unfolds behind my eyelids I see it ending and reappear Nothing could stop me from reckless chasing Not days or the years All the time in the world couldn't take this away How I love this way I'm falling fast No distance will outlast how I love this way through all time and space
7.
8.
Get me out of sync with the beat of this mundane life I want more I always want more But I'm never more Because my skill and my passion won't meet I let myself down again Or so I made myself think I'm waking and breathing and crying and singing And forcing the ink in my pen Stuck in this repeat I'm dragging my feet here again Trying to write to give purpose to life But I think that I will never win I've made it through half of a year I was so much stronger before I knew better And could live inside my own skin Just get me out I'm drowning asleep in my tears Alright just enough to get out of my bed But sometimes I wish I wasn't here I’m a little better each day Still chasing the dream but I break easily When I look the opposite way Just get me out
9.
I’m at a limit for sadness I can take I need a minute to settle in this place Everywhere I go, I’m stuffing lies down my throat Everything I know is lost in pessimistic noise Holding out, I can see morning even when I’ve been blinded by day Let my kingdoms fall and turn me to ashes Hope is the last word to win anyway I let it in Throw me in fire and I’ll walk right through it I lost the pattern but trust in the unseen I worry less about it, the calculated mind control But, hope, I will hold to when I collapse and let it go Holding out, I can see morning even when I’ve been blinded by day Let my kingdoms fall and turn me to ashes Hope is the last word to win anyway I let it in Let it in and out of my skin
10.
I think that I should have this figured out What will make me happy Everything I think I love, I never do It doesn't make me happy I'm just tired of chasing thoughts and making plans When I just give up on them I'm so exhausted from the expense of feeling so inspired I know that it's crazy to be so sad about what you will make of your life But it matters to me more than anything I fluctuate between trust and doubt depending on the weather I guess that I thought I would know by now what deserves my effort I know that it's crazy to be so sad about what you will make of your life But it matters to me more than anything Ya, I know I'm good, but it's never enough Ya, I know I'm loved, but it's never enough I can't be okay when I know what I'm missing I just wish that I could figure out what will make me happy I just wish that I could trust that you're enough Enough to make me happy
11.
I lost the feeling in my thought but I’m not sure when I think I maybe just forgot to care about it I paralyze my energy to keep a flat line This dance feels likes slow motion but I’m in real time I’m not inside of my head but I have not left it I'm unaware of the threat that I am avoiding I watch their smile turn to laugh, but I just hear nothing I should wanna know where I am, but I just feel nothing I look the same as always so I must be alright But I don’t recognize the beat that’s keeping me alive I’m not inside of my head but I have not left it I'm unaware of the threat that I am avoiding I watch their smile turn to laugh, but I just hear nothing I should wanna know where I am, but I just feel nothing I just feel nothing I know that I need it I lean in a feel it
12.
I know the way I pull and release I know the way you take hold of me Love ain't living for free That is not just belief Nothing could make me not want to stay You’re everything good and right in this place And it's all I can see You are all that I see I fight off myself in the way of you Cause in comparison I want to lose Anything that could separate me from you I don't want to know a day without you All of my shadows are gone in the truth When you presently speak You're all that matters to me I’m talking words until I know you hear All other million things disappear It's not a mistake that I am truly awake I fight off myself in the way of you Cause in comparison I want to lose Anything that could separate me from you There isn’t a word enough to capture the image of What the world is like when you see the light I’m gonna love you I’m in it with you I fight off myself in the way of you Cause in comparison I want to lose Anything that could separate me from you
13.
I’ve been in my head rearranging the repertoire And reviewing my thoughts though the windshield of moving cars I’m making it all clear so I don’t miss anything Cause I get lost in me and burn every escape I know myself better when I let you tell me Cause I enjoy ruining the depiction of progressing I call it all off with illusions of compromised authenticity in the back of my mind I march toward uncertainty It’s convincing me I secretly wish for it to just make sense But I wear a blindfold and expect the opposite I’m coming to terms with the construction in my skull And every adjustment will loosen my control I march toward uncertainty It’s convincing me The flood of my identity in violent recovery I'm leaving it all behind To know truly I’m satisfied I swallow the things that haunt me When I complicate you talking I know I don’t a thing I’ve confidence accepting There is still fear in me But I’m ready I can’t give it up yet Im in it till the end

credits

released December 31, 2017

Produced and engineered by Dariynn Silver
Mixed and Mastered by Daniel MacNeil of Twisted Cable Studios in Kimberley, BC
Art Direction, Paintings and Layout by Zach Silver of Reflect Design Co.
All songs written and performed by Dariynn Silver
String arrangements by Zach Smith

Guests:
Zach Silver: Drums and Percussion on Entry 1-7, 9, 11-13
Zach Smith: Cellos on Entry 1, 2, 5 & 13
Joelle Winkel: Vocals on Entry 6
Clayton Parsons: Vocals and Electric guitar on Entry 6
Daniel MacNeil: Bass on Entry 13

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Dariynn Silver Cranbrook, British Columbia

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